I am feeling less than heroic today. God has made me transparent and what I see is a weak little heart and an overwhelmed mind. When Jesus takes His sword and divides what is me from what is Him, it makes me feel faint. He asks me "If no one was watching you and no one was ever going to care at all at what you are doing, where would that leave your plans and desires?"
Good Question. Would I choose to be hungry and tired? Would I live in flooding, earthquakes, stink and filth? Would I pray and fast? Would I want to help?
Do I love Heidi Baker and Bill Johnson and David Hogan because others think they're cool and therefore if I want to be like them, then that makes me cool? Do I want to go into all the world because I want stories of my own? Do I want miracles to validate my own life experience? Am I only blogging because I care about what you think?
Right now I feel very puny and awful because I'm scared and my answers to these questions reveal that I am not what I think I am. We can all think that we are paying the price and counting the cost, but in truth, the cost seems really high and it lasts this whole life through in its stubbornly persistent illusion. I know it's just ashes, mourning and heaviness that we are trading for His abundant life. But we like the familiarity of the ashes and believe we see beauty in them instead of smelling the stench of death.
The cost is beginning to look like this; long years away from friends and family, needing faith for every necessity (luxuries-ha!), huge learning curves, choppy homeschooling, single parenting at times, sickness and diseases, hostile religious groups, and blood and goo.
Today I saw enough of myself to plead "God, if this is mostly me and little of You, let us go back to nice clean friendly Canada and I'll be a good mom and grow old keeping my mouth shut... but... Your will be done - not mine".
Six powerful words.