This is the question I get the most, and I find myself stumbling for answers. I don't really have any words to sum it up. Even now there is a quaking and tearing up as I try to re access the memories; not because they are so distant, but because I have had to stuff so much of it down in order to participate in the normal life here.
My heart thumps too big in my chest; probably a mix of fear and brokenness. Really, I am shell shocked. I think what people want are some good stories where someone eventually comes in as the hero and cleans up the mess and ties off all of the loose ends. I was NOT that person in the past month - not even close. I was constantly floundering in the deep end the whole time with people who really knew how to swim; kind of clinging to them as dead weight while they tirelessly poured out day after day.
So I am brokenhearted.
But this is a broken planet, and Jesus had to break himself into pieces in order to do anything for it. Why shouldn't it be the same for me? This is filling up on His suffering; feeling my heart crack and bleed from the injustice of what I see. But let me be honest, what really hurts the most is the realization of my own sense of entitlement and self preservation.
So I am going to try to pull some real words out of my journal over the next little while to give a glimpse into the effect of all of this on my heart and soul. And hopefully there will be some gems of inspiration. But be warned... my goal is to try and break your heart because there is a bloody war going on out there fueled by apathy.